


The Past, Mirrored

by APlagueOnBothYourHouses



Category: Critical Role (Web Series)
Genre: Allusions to life with Trent Ikithon, Caleb is worried about Beau and they both suck at feelings, Dialogue Heavy, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Child Abuse, Not Beta Read, Not Canon Compliant, Rating because Beauregard loves the fuck word, and the gratuitous use of commas, bc episode fuckin 55 came in and beat my ass, c02e054, now with resolution because I stan communication
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-03-08
Updated: 2019-03-12
Packaged: 2019-11-14 00:56:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,310
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18042395
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/APlagueOnBothYourHouses/pseuds/APlagueOnBothYourHouses
Summary: After overhearing Dairon tell Beauregard not to form emotional attachments, Caleb tries to convey to her that there are some worrying parallels linking Trent Ikithon's teachings with the Cobalt Soul's. It doesn't go well.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this right after the episode aired in my state at like 3:00 in the morning so it might not make sense and there may be an overabundance of commas. I love run-on sentences at ass o'clock in the morning. This is also the first ever thing I've ever attempted to write for CR which means the characterization might be a bit wonky but I'll improve eventually. Thanks for reading!

“Beauregard, could I speak to you for a moment?” Caleb’s voice is hushed, and Beau feels one of his hands gently brush her wrist as he speaks. 

After following the alluring demonic entities and a stealthing Nott down into the cavern, the group had fallen into three rows of two with Fjord and Yasha in the lead, cautiously searching for both their enemies and any potential traps that might have been missed by their rogue. Behind them, Jester was hushedly but excitedly talking to Caduceus, whose confused smile suggested he wasn’t exactly sure what was going on. Beau and Caleb were staggered slightly behind the clerics and, out of the corner of her eye, the monk could see that Caleb was fidgeting with something in one of his many pockets.

Without meaning for it to, Dairon’s warning rang in the back of her mind and Beau found herself hesitate to engage with Caleb. He wasn’t as good as Caduceus at pinpointing someone’s innermost turmoil, but the Zemnian wasn’t even in the realm of oblivious and Beau wasn’t in the mood to receive another lecture. She could tell by his low tone that the conversation he wanted to have with her was a private one that probably wouldn’t make her happy.

Evidently, he didn’t take her silence to mean ‘no’ and he cleared his throat before beginning, “You need to tread carefully here, ja?”

Beau could feel the cogs turning in her brain, attempting to connect his ominous warning with everything that had happened in the past few days and, frankly, failing to do so successfully. Her pace slowed subconsciously and the wizard immediately matched to stay near her. 

Instead of anything helpful, her wary brain didn’t try to make the flat word sound like a question when it came out of her, “... What.” 

Then it was his turn to hesitate and despite the familiarity of him scratching lightly at his arms and folding into himself, Beau could feel her heart-rate spike. If he noticed her anxiety he didn’t let on, instead he raised his nervous eyes back to hers searchingly, though what he was trying to find was lost on Beau.

Almost cautiously, he elaborated, “You need to be careful of what you let that woman tell you… What you accept from her.”

_ That woman. _ She blinked in surprise, his train of thought suddenly connected in her mind and Beau found herself squinting suspiciously at him. He couldn’t be suggesting about Dairon what she thought he was.

Her voice was cold to her own ears and, internally, she winced, “What the hell does that mean Caleb?”

“I mean,” he began, running a hand through his messy hair, “that people in a position of power over you will try to influence your thoughts and… And it isn’t always in your best interest to listen.”

The wizard looked away from her completely when he noticed her gaze begin to harden and it took every ounce of her self control not to grab him by the shoulders and demand an explanation. Because with each word it became more and more clear that he thought he was finding connections between the people that he knew in his youth with her Cobalt Soul mentor and that would have been enough for the person she’d been only a few months ago to try and shake less cryptic answers out of him. A far off part of her brain, one that wasn’t beginning to feel a little outraged, was proud of the restraint she was showing. But pissed didn’t even begin to describe how she felt. (‘Betrayed’ whispered a traitorous and terribly young part of her.) 

She stuttered uselessly for a minute, “Are you really fucking saying what I think you’re saying to me right now?”

Distantly she was aware that her feet had stopped moving which meant not only had Caleb also stopped, but the rest of the group had been alerted to their discussion and they’d halted as well. Beau was beyond caring though, because she needed to hear what Caleb had to say and she needed to hear it immediately.

“I’m not saying it’s the same thing,” he smiled a bitter, mirthless smile, “that-that’s not at all what I’m saying. I am saying that I’ve heard it before-”

“Heard what before? Are you kidding me-” she reached out to touch him before noticing the smallest of flinches and then she remembered the last time she’d gotten physical with him during an argument back when Calianna had asked for the group’s assistant finding an evil, magical bowl. She took a deep breath, and the next time she spoke, her voice sounded far more wounded than she wanted it to, “Dude, it’s nowhere near the same thing. Dairon… Dairon fucking cares about me, man!”

Caleb cocked his head to the side and reached down to dig his nails into his forearms again, “He said that too, Beauregard… He- he also said what  _ she  _ said about personal attachments.” 

Another distant, all too caring piece of her was worried about him and how incredibly wrecked he sounded as he said that. The part of her that craved friendships and connections with other people diligently filed what he was saying away until after she could get a chance to cool down.

Despite his low voice which was probably in an effort to keep the rest of the group who were standing in an awkward half circle around them from hearing him, her own voice raised indignantly as the parts of her that had an urge to defend her mentor overpowered the Beauregard who wanted to be able to have hard talks with Caleb without them turning into fights, “Don’t you fucking dare compare Dairon to Trent fucking Ikithon! Why would you even-” she broke off suddenly, in an effort to calm herself down which only slightly worked, “they’re nothing alike. She’s trying to take him and his people down for fucks sake!”

Finally, he allowed his eyes to meet hers fully and piercingly. The shock of making intense eye contact with the one person in the Mighty Nein who usually kept his gaze distant stopped her from continuing. Caleb, with very few exceptions, always seemed as though his past was a physical weight he carried and he offered very little up willingly. She could tell he was aware of the others now watching them openly with concern and his rigid posture spoke to how uncomfortable he was.

His voice was, if at all possible, even more stony than his gaze when he next spoke, “Beauregard…” and then the Caleb she’d grown to know morphed into someone far older right in front of her before the fight left him and his shoulders slumped, “I apologize for upsetting you. Let’s just... Let's go. Nott is probably far ahead of us by now.”

With a nod to himself, he walked away from her and past Fjord, Jester, Yasha and Caduceus without a second glance. The fact that he apologized for her reaction to what he’d said and not for what he’d actually implied didn’t go unnoticed by Beau or, presumably, anyone else in their party. But she was sure only she could see his fingers begin the motion to snap Frumpkin into existence before letting them go lax over and over again without actually summoning the cat. If not being able to have an emotionally charged conversation with him didn’t make her feel like an asshole, the fact that he was denying himself the comfort his familiar brought him did. 

So she did the only thing she could do when faced with the rest of her kind-of friends and emotions she wasn’t equipped to decipher in a cavern, she pushed on, “We can’t stand here forever, let’s go.”


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wasn't planning on actually writing more, but I wanted resolution!!! I have no idea if this is in character or if it makes sense but I need Beau and Caleb to communicate more so I decided to write it.

It had been a trying day. 

After her disastrous conversation with Caleb, the group traveled in near complete silence; even Jester in all her infinite cheer hadn’t quite been able to break through the oppressive, frigid silence that had cut in between the two humans. The tension had been palpable and it lead to a feeling very similar to the early days of their travel… Except in those early days, Molly would have been there in all of his glorified assholiness to throw an arm around each of their shoulders with an easy smile and a solution to their problems. But Molly was dead. Now, Caduceus was with them and Beau liked the firbolg but… Her relationship with Molly had felt so much like what Beau assumed having a close relationship with a little brother was like that, on most days, his lost felt like a gaping wound in her chest.

Fjord, ever the diplomat, had tried to ask her what Caleb had said to make her so angry, but the memory itself left a bad taste in Beau’s mouth. To think that Caleb saw her mentor, someone she trusted, and thought of his own past with Ikithon sent a shiver down her spine. It made her sick to her stomach. Dairon was the closest thing to a parental figure that she’d had since her own parents forced her into joining the Cobalt Soul and, while the older elf wasn’t especially gentle, there was an unsaid bond between them that meant the world to Beau. So she told Fjord that Caleb was paranoid about Dairon’s intentions. Which wasn’t a lie. But, despite how  _ hurt  _ she was, she still didn’t like the idea of flaunting Caleb’s problems and past around to the rest of the group. It had been months since he’d told Beau and Nott about his parents and days since he’d admitted to the torture he’d endured during his time attending the Soltryce Academy to the entire group but still, Beau held his pain on her shoulders with her own past. The half orc had made an attempt to try and see both of their viewpoints but it had been around that time that Nott had come sprinting back to the group out of breath, saying she’d found the portal and the entities they’d fought in the bugbear’s home.

They hadn’t had any time to talk after that as everything went almost immediately to hell in the underground corridors of the well. At one point, Caleb had cast haste on Beau and she knew deep in her soul that Caleb struggled with words and oftentimes used spells to try to convey his emotions. She thought that maybe he was trying to apologize.

After they killed the beasts, cut the heads off for proof of portal activity, and closed said portal, it was fairly late which lead the group to return to the Four Corners. Beau’d had time to calm down and wanted to talk to Caleb again, apologize for getting so angry and explain herself, but he’d taken a pretty bad hit during the fight and so had Nott, which meant the two of them were nearly glued together. As much as she trusted Nott, she didn’t want an audience again. When they returned to hallway near their rooms, it felt like her window to talk to him had closed just as her ability to do it discreetly had. Then, as she prepared to leave everything on her mind unsaid, Jester proved once again that she wasn’t nearly as emotionally immature as she often acted.

With an understanding glint in her eye, the blue tiefling suddenly grabbed Fjord and Caduceus by their wrists and exclaimed, “Drinks! We should go in and-and get drinks and celebrate!” she released Fjord to pump a fist in the air, “And watch people beat the shit out of each other!”

Caduceus chuckled slightly despite his earlier misgivings about Beau and Jester’s brawl, “That sounds nice. How about it, Fjord? Nott?” Then he turned towards Yasha, who’d been even more quiet since their expedition into her old home and asked her as well.

His exclusion of Caleb and Beau was not unnoticed by the rest of the group. Everyone voiced their agreement with going into the tavern,and even Yasha nodded along despite how uncomfortable she’d been last time they’d been there. Beau realized, not for the first time, that despite how silly everyone could be, they were still perceptive and kindhearted. They didn’t want tension within the group from a team standpoint but they cared as friends too, and Beau loved these people. Once again, her thoughts drifted to Molly- how she hoped he’d be proud of them. Then, she thought of Dairon and the warning her mentor had given her about attachments and her eyes welled up without her consent. 

Beau leaned against the door to the girls’ room, blinked away her traitorous tears, and watched everyone but Nott and Caleb begin to clear out. The halfling turned goblin pivoted on her heels towards Caleb, who was beginning to look constipated, and pulled him down towards her so that she could speak directly into his ear. Whatever it was that she said to him, his response must have assuaged her worries because she smiled fondly and kissed him on the forehead. Their display sent another pang of sadness through Beau but she couldn’t tell if it was her own sordid past, Caleb’s history with his parents, or the fact that Nott had a scared child she couldn’t comfort that made her ache.

Then Nott left with one last look back and they were alone. 

“I’m sorry I-”

“I wanted to say-”

Both of them began and stopped speaking at the same time, Beau chuckled and her amusement seemed to soothe some of the tension out of Caleb’s thin frame.

Then, again as one, they said, “You go first.”

Finally, Beau held up a hand, the smile sliding off of her lips, “I’ll go first?” When he nodded, she continued, “I’m sorry I lost my temper back there… I just… I don’t think we know how to talk to each other, you know?” And she did believe that, she loved Caleb despite all of the dangers that came with it but they never had the right combination of words at the right time. 

Caleb nodded again, “I know… I just,” he finally shuffled over to her and leaned on the wall next to her, “can we go into the room?”

For the first time she noticed the nervous glint in his eyes, the same one he’d held both times he’d discussed his past with her and the group. That didn’t bode well for her hope of a quick apology. Beau nodded, pushed herself off of the door and used her key to open the room. She welcomed him in with a small flourish and a quick smile to, hopefully, convey that she’d had enough time to work off her earlier anger.

As one, they sat on Beau’s bed.

Then more silence.

“Can I tell you something?” He leaned in suddenly as though they were conspiring, “You, Beauregard, remind me of myself,” she must have made a face at that, because Caleb chuckled and continued, “I know, I know… Not me now,” his eyes and voice lost their amusement and he seemed subdued again, “back then.”

“Caleb-”

“Bren was confident.” Caleb continued as though she hadn’t said anything, “Bren-Bren didn’t question his master and Bren was good at what he did… And Bren was so smart... But Beauregard,” his eyes found hers for the first time since their underground argument and the fire that burned within them knocked the air from her lungs, “Bren is dead.”

She felt her eyes widen and knew he’d seen it too by the way his own eyes softened sadly. For a quiet moment, she longed to be anywhere but in this room alone with him. She could tell she wasn’t ever going to be ready for this conversation, and wished she was drinking in the tavern with the rest of the group. She and Caleb were close in a way that felt similar to her relationship with Molly, but it wasn’t completely the same which left her floundering to communicate with him and made emotional conversations several times harder than they needed to be.

When she stayed silent, he spoke again in a small, melancholy voice, “Bren was too young, with no experience. He yearned for attention, to be special… He was strong but that  _ didn’t  _ matter. It didn’t matter.” He swallowed thickly, “I don’t want you to be like him.”

“I’m,” she began, “I don’t. I’m- sorry but… Caleb. It is not the same.”

“Beauregard-”

“No, please,” her hand slowly found his shoulder, he didn’t pull away, “let me… Let me talk. What happened to you wasn’t fucking fair. It was so fucking goddamned unfair and I am  _ sorry _ ,” he looked away and Beau could tell he was starting to curl into himself, “Caleb, Dairon is not Ikithon.”

Caleb’s eyes slipped shut and he nodded, “I know. I know that. But there are so many similarities that you don’t see because you’re-”

Beau felt her eye twitch, “I’m what?”

“Painfully young.”

That wasn’t what she was expecting, “ _ what _ ?”

“Beauregard, listen to me.  _ Please _ . Your teacher isn’t teaching you how best to hurt someone without killing them for information but she  _ is _ teaching you how to hit someone to get them to talk.. She isn’t sewing crystals into your arms but when you come back from meetings you’re… You’re black and blue and… You want her approval and that kind of blind devotion is dangerous, Beau.”

“It isn’t the same!”

“Maybe not exactly... But this won’t end the way you want it to and for that  _ I’m  _ sorry.”

Beau let the indignation pass through her, closed her eyes, and let herself think about everything she knew about Caleb’s past. Then, she allowed herself a moment to try and look at everything from his perspective. She couldn’t quite reach the same conclusions, but what mattered to her was that he cared enough about her to be afraid for her.

She shifted one leg underneath her other to turn fully towards him, never letting her hand drift from his shoulder, “We aren’t going to agree.”

Caleb nodded, “Probably not.”

“But… Thank you,” she said slowly, “for being concerned. I asked you and Fjord to check me and… That hasn’t changed. So… I’m sorry for yelling at you… Again.”

“I should not have said anything down there… Tension was high… And it was in front of the group and-”

“Caleb.”

“Yes?”

“Shut up and accept my apology, man.”

With a sigh, he nodded, then looked back to her and allowed his own hand to join hers on his shoulder, “Only if you’ll accept mine… And promise not to let her stop you from caring.”

“I,” Beau began, “I care about you guys… I’m here for you guys and I’m not going to let anything happen to any of you. I understand why Dairon isn’t in a position for attachments but… She’s wrong. She cares about me enough to want to save me from pain, but I care about you.”

“Thank you, Beauregard. Please be safe.”

“Done and done, man…” She let her hand disentangle from his, “Now let's go get fucked up.”

As they walked together through the hallways towards the tavern portion of the Four Corners, Beau could feel one of the many weights leave her shoulders. Dairon might be right in thinking attachments could lead to weakness, but Beau had never been stronger than when she had people to defend and who would defend her in turn. When they stepped into the familiar bar with the gravel filled fighting pit, Jester’s waving arms greeted them from across room. Immediately upon seeing her and Caleb standing comfortably next to each other, Beau noticed the relief pass through Nott and Fjord’s faces. She turned to Caleb and thought that maybe they finally found the right words.


End file.
